So I spend a lot of time on the bus...

I know this is yet another in a series of bus themed postings, but I do not care! After being back in DC, briefly, I have my confirmation of something I had noticed was different about the bus-riding habits of Londoners versus those I knew before. That is this: people riding the bus in London have absolutely no qualms about quickly fleeing the seat next to a person as soon as one with two free seats opens up. I noticed this behaviour shortly after arriving in the big smoke, and found it a bit odd, in that I would feel rude doing the same thing and hadn't noticed it in my previous home city.

Granted, I will admit no one exactly likes being forced to sit directly next to some stranger on the bus. Perhaps your knees will touch awkwardly, perhaps they had to move their all too precious bag/purse/rucksack/glove in order to make room for you to sit. When this is the case you, steely bus rider, have no doubt first been forced to endure the 'look of death' that seems to result from your rude imposition of wanting to sit, and feeling you are probably more entitled to do so than, say, the random rider's clutch. God forbid humans get priority over glorified lipstick holders..but, I digress.

My main observation is that, as soon as a seat opens up where one might be able to sit alone, people in London will immediately scramble away from their erstwhile seat-partner to have the pleasure of sitting alone (or with only their own bag as seat-mate). This has always struck me as slightly rude, and was something I had never noticed before in my years of public transit ridership. In DC, and perhaps much of the rest of America, people will generally remain seated directly adjacent to someone, even when another seat has opened up, from my observations. I think that I, and perhaps other Americans, don't want to appear rude. I'd hate to give the person next to me the impression that sitting beside them represents some unendurable trial for me, perhaps as a result of their body odour or some other unmentionable misfortune. In London, this consideration doesn't seem to figure quite as prominently. Or, if it does, the Londoner's desire for a seat of their own quickly overrides any consideration of appearing unable to handle being within a few inches of another person. Maybe it is the relatively cramped nature of life in London as compared to, for example, Washington DC, that makes the difference. I'm not sure, but wonder whether others have noticed similar dynamics (either grin-and-bear-it DC style, or jump-and-sit London)?

Goodbye.

So, its been forever, but this is gonna be short and sweet anyway. People here have a very hard time ending telephone calls without sounding awkwardly high-pitched on the 'bye'. It is bizarre, but after speaking on the phone with more than a few British people, I've noticed that what I thought was an individual curiosity is actually a generalized phenomenon. I've heard it on the street, on the bus, and anywhere else I am within earshot of a British person ending a phone call. It tends to go something like this:

Man-on-phone (MOP): Right, right. I think we need to get those figures to HQ asap, Jim. This is too important to delay because f**kers in sales can't get their acts together.
Jim: (on the other end of the phone so how should i know)
MOP: Right, will send that spreadsheet right over. Ok, talk to you later then. (in high pitched childlike whine, yet still somewhat hushed) BYEEEEEE.

It's really weird seeing men in suits give the same parting shrill as 15 year old school girls. Without fail, however, it seems to be the case.

The English don't respect authority...

Only, they really are the most deferential people (compared to Americans anyway), almost in a bad way. Like, they are constantly apologizing for existing. Anyway, check out these two clips of the hilarious Catherine Tate doing in sketches as her character 'Lauren Cooper', the quintessential working-class London teenager:

Is one bovvered? Tony Blair isn't bovvered.

On the night bus..

This post springs from a conversation I had yesterday with a few new friends here, where we all traded stories of riding the bus home late at night in London. You see, some busses here run all night, hence night bus, and this is when all the crazies really come out. Oh, they're out in daylight as well; the stop where I catch the bus each morning to head into central London is just outside a hospital, where it seems everyone in a violent altercation in the southern portion of the city ends up. I imagine for most of them the story goes something like, 'Go out with friends in the evening. Become drunk, nay, totally belligerently pants-shitting plastered. Get in fight. Go to hospital, get stitched up, get released.' Released, mind you, right around the time I'm waiting for my bus. Hardly a day goes by when I don't see some charming archetypal young Londoner, hair matted with dried blood, face swollen and stitched (usually at the eyebrow), waiting for the same bus as me. But this is a digression away from the really fun bus stories, those that take place at night!

There was the one that happened to my friend, just last night in fact. He reported to me live via text that his bus had been attacked by men wielding traffic cones, which they were throwing at the bus windows as it went past. Luckily, no windows broke, but still a little alarming. 

Then there was the bus ride a few nights ago when one very drunk older English man became involved in an argument with two francophone men of African origin. One of these men was happily chatting away (rather more loudly than the English seem to find appropriate, though within reason!) on his mobile phone, in French. The English man started muttering at him, "What the f*** are you saying anyway?" The exchange continued:

African man: Pardon?

Englishman: What the f*** are you saying to me?

African man: Pardon? I don't know what you want.

English man: Motherf****** immigrant bastard, what are you saying to me?

African man: (unphased) Pardon?

English man: (now yelling, exasperated) Just what the f*** are you trying to say to me? 

African man: (into his phone) Comme ci, comme ca.... etc.

English man: (yelling) Ill give you come see, come so, motherf***er, this is Eengland, speak English for f*** sake. 

Random woman: Alright mates, lets all calm down, all friends here. Why don't you just read your paper?

English man: F*** off bitch, you want to start wiv me too?

And so on, and so forth, until the Africans got off the bus. Apparently, drunken angry racist stupidity is a universal, as is the correlation between blood alcohol levels and use of the word fuck. Im just glad no one got knifed. 

Slang

The UK is home to some of the most brilliant slang one could hope to hear. Some of it I cannot work out, as I cannot figure out how certain words would be spelled, given the difficulties with translating accents. However, its good stuff. Beyond slang, just colloquial words for everyday things can become an adventure in cutesy land. Here are some of the best slang and cute words I've come across:

Minger - pronounced: ming-uh - a very ugly person. (adj, minging) Example:
Lad 1: Oy, mate, check out dat Minger in da pink trainers.
Lad 2: Ahh mate, naw, she be right minging.
Translation:
Young hooligan 1: Oh, friend of mine, look over there at that unfortunate looking girl in the pink athletic shoes.
Young hooligan 2: I see! How awful, she is quite ugly.

Alright - pronounced: awl-rwight- hello, how are you?, good day, can i help you? etc.
Example:
Young Cashier: Alright?
Customer: Alright.
Translation:
Young Cashier: Hi there, welcome to Sainsbury's, do you have your Nectar card(discount membership card)?
Customer: Im doing well, thanks. No, I havent got (or: Yes, I have.)

Tings - pronounced: tings - very attractive, f**k (can be used as a verb, noun, and adjective)
Example:
Hormonal London teen: Check out dat girl over there, she buff tings.
Hormonal Friend: Dat's right mate, she is well fitter than that minger wot I tingsed last week when i was pissed.
Translation:
Hormonal London Teen: Hey, look at that girl over there, she is really hot and sexy.
Hormonal Friend: I agree, she is much better looking than that really ugly girl I slept with last week when I was drunk.

Biccies - pronounced: bick-ees - cookies (short form of biscuits)
I just think thats a cute one.

Memo

So I realize the first two posts have been somewhat like an episode of 'Full House' in that they have a theme, some laughs in the middle, and then in the end we all learn a lesson. In short, maybe a little preachy. Hopefully I will be able to cull some short and sweet, and funny, tidbits from my daily doings this week to provide you with a similarly short, sweet, and funny posting.

Stay tuned.

Fried Food Nation

I certainly won't be the first foreign observer to comment on British cuisine, but that isn't going to stop me. Yes, the rumors of it being relatively bland and, some might say, bad, are not exactly exaggerated. I tend to automatically and liberally dose all my food from the dining hall with pepper, ketchup, vinegar, hot sauce, or whatever flavo(u)r booster I can get my hands on. It's not that they aren't trying, its that they have been raised with a different palette. The "spicy pork and veg bake" that was my lunch a couple days ago was not spicy in the least, having perhaps a small dose of garlic thrown in among the stewed tomatoes and other assorted vegetable/pork slurry that was then covered in "white sauce" and baked til hot. Just for reference, that is an all too typical food preparation method on this soggy island. Combine that with a propensity to eat baked beans (more tomatoey here, not sweet like the American version) and some form of potatoe at least twice a day leads to a diet that is somewhat uniform in color and flavo(u)r.

This long chain of food fauxs-pas is neither the inspiration nor the point of this post, the television chef known as Jamie Oliver is. Jamie is best known States-side for his stint as the "Naked Chef" while in Britain, in addition to having achieved full-blown celebrity chef status, he is widely known for his down-home Essex accent and massive campaign to get healthier lunches in public schools, as well as a general opposition to everything Britons like to put in their mouths. He has now launched a brand new Channel 4 (they are creative naming tv networks) show, and social crusade, called Jamie's Ministry of Food, in which he is attempting to get fat/poor/lazy/unhealthy/unknowledgeable about cooking/any combination of the above (which works out to about everyone in the country it seems) cooking "good, honest, affordable food" for themselves and their families. The common person in Britain just isn't eating nutritiously, regardless of what you might see friends and others of the "educated band" of society eating in London.

Which brings us to the point: British cooking/eating is not all that healthy. As much as America is slammed for being the heartland of the obesity pandemic, the food here is often less nutritious and prepared in less healthy ways. Frying, of everything from meats to potatoes to desserts, is about as common here as in parts of the deepest South in the US. My dining hall has menu items that have been fried available at every meal of the day. Oftentimes, veggie burgers here are little more than lumps of breadcrumbs, beans, and other vegetable matter held together by a sort of tomatoe-ish paste, and then deep fried. With a side of chips (thick cut french fries..). Oh, and your green vegetable will be peas. You might see a string bean if lucky. And so on, and so forth, until your GI tract is so chock full of nutty foods that you will need a colonic immediately upon return to the US. Fresh vegetables here, rather than the kind that come in cans or frozen, seem to still be a treat for the rich or better off, as Jamie Oliver finds in his new television program.

Of course, a huge chunk of the US population eats similarly poorly, often as a result of socio-economic factors. We might have lots of food available cheaply, but people are still under-nourished when it comes to the vitamins and nutrients necessary for a health-ful life. The striking thing here, and with confirmation from British friends who have been to the US, is how much less fresh and green a lot of the food available even in middle quality restaurants is. That, and the acceptance of frying as a main method of cooking, will only keep British food with its dogged reputation. Its surprising to me, expecting "the Europeans" to clearly know how to eat better and healthier. If anything, this leads me to believe that people really are connected more by "class" across nations, at least when it comes to food. Average income Americans and average income Britons are eating themselves to death for economic, social, and cultural reasons that must be addressed if we are to pride ourselves on living in fair, modern societies committed to the health of our citizens.